Friday, 23 October 2015

Selflessly: How I Survived Living with a Cutter



 Yesterday, I came home from school and laid in my bed watching old episodes of Burn Notice (well old for you probably but some of those episodes were new to me, ok). I laughed, cried and screamed frantically at my screen. It was an episode in Season 7 after Fiona had gotten through to Michael (after he had turned into a maniac) she spoke to him after he had jumped on the front of a man's car and told him to quit trying to kill himself. That moment activated a flash of past events before my eyes and I thought of how truly blessed I've been. Then I had a compelling feeling to share one of my stories. It was like God was encouraging me to break the silence but has I fluffed my pillow and turned to get more comfortable: I thought about sharing the story and then rejected the idea. Have you ever gone somewhere and seen something you really liked but didn't buy it? And it almost literally haunts you for not purchasing it? Well that's what happen last night. I kept thinking about it and thinking about it and it just wouldn't go away. So, today I'm taking a very deep breath and I'm going to tell you about my experience living with someone who cut themselves.

I can't remember exactly when I first found out that my friend was a cutter but what I do recall was they always had a lot of razor blades. I thought it was odd at first but then thought maybe it was for shaving eyebrows or something. I was soon to find out their intended use. I think it was one evening though, after dinner I was chatting away the night with some other friends and decided to check up on my friend (we'll call her Lindy). I journey down the hallway, open the room door and was greeted with pure darkness with only the moon shine softly peeking through the window.

"Lindy?" I walk in to find her sitting on the floor.
I sit on a chair a few inches away from her and ask if she's ok and she hadn't said a word. I got up, left the chair to sit closer to her and has I knelt down to sit, she breaks the silence and says, "You're kneeling in my blood." My eyes pop out of my head and I scream, "What!"

I jump to my feet and sit slowly on the chair again. She begins to clean up with a roll of tissue she had. The question I had came out slowly. Why? She didn't speak. Then exited the room and locked herself in the bathroom.

A few days pass with little communication between us and I finally ask again. Why?
She told me it helped her when she was feeling down and begged me not to tell anyone else. I told her I would only if she made an effort to stop, if not then I would be telling someone else. A few weeks pass and she 'seemed' to have things under control. I started hiding her razors under my bed, praying to God that nothing bad would happen. But soon the 'responsibility' started to take its toll on me. What if she kills herself? Or bleeds to death? were constant questions I had to bare.

I would eat but couldn't keep much of anything down. It soon became routine after every meal for me to go to the bathroom to regurgitate. That soon brought other complications for me. After seeing fresh wounds on my friend's wrist and witnessing an attempted suicide. I decided to confide in a counselor.

After a few more months of trying to help her along with the counselors. She made it clear that she just didn't want to be helped.

I  died a lot after this experience and how I managed to survive was, well only God he knows. But leaving saved my life. A series of events took place that made me just have to leave. There are days when I ask myself why I hadn't left sooner but I thank God that I'm still alive. Because only God himself know how I'm still alive after all this. My health is getting better. I was on three medications for my stomach and now I'm only occasionally taking one. I could barely see through my eyes.. oh my goodness if you only knew what I've been going through. I'm not as transparent as I used to be but I had a feeling and just wanted to share this with you. Of course the summarized version cause this would be longeeerr.

Here's what I've learned:

  • You cannot change anyone. You can see potential and strength in them but if they are unable to see it for themselves: you're not going anywhere. If someone doesn't think they need help then you can't force them.
  • Do not try to address any issues on your own especially if you're not competent. Whether mental health or whatever.
  • You have to recognize that your life is important as well. As much as you care about other people, know when to run when your own is in danger. 
As for my friend, our friendship isn't the same but I left them in perfect hands. I leave it to God and all I can do is keep praying.

If you know someone who may be suicidal or have suicidal thoughts please seek assistance.
I'll provide links for some Jamaican organizations that can help once confirmed. 

 I don't know if this will help anyone but I'm sharing it either way. Stay strong! 
God bless you.