Friday, 24 July 2015

Selflessly: Acceptance

I've been holding out writing one of these. I just hadn't felt like writing and I wasn't ready to share this. So much has happened in a year. If you're familiar with these posts then you may just be up to speed if not-> Selflessly: Growth

Let's break this down

September-December 2014
After such an amazing summer, things were really looking up for me; until it was about that time to find my face back to school. I didn't want to go. I begged. Pleaded with my mother, told her we didn't have the money but she wouldn't have it. She told me, "You need to figure out what you want to do." And that was my problem. I had lost that desire  I had lost what I wanted to do with life. I went on a visit to my school to speak with someone, anyone who would listen. I spoke to a professor who made some good suggestions and we had made arrangements to meet again another day. Things didn't fall through and there I was leaving campus in the afternoon thinking to myself, "this is it." My parent doesn't even have the money but makes the sacrifices and I don't even know what I want to do anymore? I left. And made my long journey back home on a Monday. The next two-three days I lay in bed with my mother and cousin pestering me about what I was going to do. I didn't know! My mind was overwhelmed with screaming thoughts- I do not want to be a teacher! I do not want to be a counselor! But who am I to be! And why didn't I want to be these things? That's it. I'm not going back.

(Flashback) Someone I considered a close friend did something to me that I really wasn't expecting and it threw me all the way off the gird. It was painful. I was crushed and I really just didn't want to bother with anything anymore.

 No one supported me not going back to school. So I had to drag myself back; little money in hand and a quivering body. I wasn't mentally, emotionally or physically well. I became very forgetful, experienced severe chest tightening/pains accompanied with heart palpitations. It was so scary. I couldn't remember simple things like if I had eaten, used the bathroom or turned in homework. I did a stress test at a health fair held at school and the specialist told me, "I'm happy you're no where near a stroke but your stress level is severely high. And if you don't get it together you might just have one." My body was on autopilot and I was just running on little to none. My chest pain persisted throughout the semester and I staggered to the end. Every aspect of my life by this time had been affected including my academics.

January 2015
Back to where I started in September 2014. I don't want to go back to school. What am I doing with my life? I want to get a job to help my family. Why was my chest hurting so much? Is this how I'm going to leave the world? With bottled dreams and aspirations. Without many hearing my voice. Without the courage to have spoken...

I finally make it to the doctor and I had to do an x-ray. After I did the exam, I asked the receptionist, "Is there anything I need to be concerned about?" she uttered softly, "Your spine." I said excuse me. She said, "Speak with your doctor; he'll tell you."

Her utterances puzzle my mind for the next few days. My spine? The doc tells me I have scoliosis which could be the contributor to my chest tightening/pains along with stress. What! Scoliosis. Something else to add to the list.

Scoliosis. Two of my friends died. No money. Career confusion. What is going on?
One of friends drowned and the other (G) died from sickle cell. What was most frightening was I had spoken to G a week before. He didn't sound sick? He didn't tell me? Was that last call his good bye? I was in denial for a while until I decided to call his phone-hoping to hear his voice and say hilow. But he didn't pick up, rather his mother did and gave me the news I had hoped not to hear. I still hadn't cried. I scrolled through my blog and looked at his comments and got teary eyed but I still hadn't let it out.
I'm numb.

To be continued....