Monday, 2 June 2014

Fear, Limits and Depression

Summer is here and guess who's on a break? This guy! Exams are done, no more assignments (for now) and I can put my feet up and relax. (say relax slowly) I've been home for about a week and indeed I haven't done anything much. But, one thing is apparent my mind is not on a vacation. With nothing to do it becomes almost mandatory for one to think about everything. Last summer I had done my self diagnosis that I was struggling with depression and sought to drown myself into doing work for the blog. Now back to this time I am striving not to be drawn into it once more. Nevertheless, the last few days my mind has been plagued with my shortcomings, fears and the goals I hadn't been placing any effort into.

This semester has been the hardest of my two years. My gpa come back up last fall but had gone down once again. Motivation was no longer my bestie and I was struggling with low blood pressure, low blood count and acute gastritis. I had everything to be doing at school yet, there was no zeal to do anything. Wasn't until the semester was coming to an end that the reality had sunk in that my performance needed a check up. For those who recall my change from Psychology to Teacher Education you'd know this was one of my circumstances. On top of the decision of my career and purpose, other issues had raised and my health was deteriorating. I remember almost passing out because all that I had was a large cup of beet root juice before actually having breakfast. After two semesters I finally went to see my academic adviser and spoke about all that I had been experiencing. It was a relief but not an overnight solution had this is still a work in progress. My adviser reiterated that I am a natural counselor and it was not good that I had started to question my competence. I wanted to make this fit work for me so bad because everyone kept saying, "ohn that's a great combination." (Teacher Education minor in Counseling)

With my struggling health and re-finding my purpose all that I had and have wanted to do suffered. I have always wanted to do Youtube videos but go back and forth on it due to my supposed fears and limitations. The fear of what others may say, the fear that people wont like them, fear of inadequacies, not a good enough camera, editing skills, software, blah, blah, blah. Essentially, I had lost the confidence I had gained after high school and felt like I was re-living my 'high school insecure self.' There was no way I could get past my fears and what I had presumed were my limitations to being effective on Youtube or anything to that matter. I go forth without hesitation to tell anyone that they can do anything they put their minds to. When I look at someone I can see so much greatness within them but struggle to do so for myself. Is it that I am afraid of who I can become? This may be quite possible but what am I going to about this? I could create a pretty speech and tell you all that I'm going to do all my dreadful fears. But I am going to be realistic and let you know I am willing to try.