Sunday, 15 September 2013

Selflessly: Working on Perfection bombarded by "Flaws"

A large quantity of my life was spent pondering upon my real purpose in life. I know I'm destined for greatness, I know I'm no ordinary individual yet I still ponder upon my instructed purpose. One day while browsing through Encarta I found the word Psychology and immediately found myself intrigued by the term. That very night eyes stapled to the computer screen I mentally concluded I wanted to be a Psychologist. By the time I was fourteen I was already participating in assessing and answering sociological and psychological questions on Yahoo answers. I had found my calling, a destiny as a matter of fact, my destiny. I had countless encounters with friends and schoolmates who didn't truly know what field they wanted to pursue for the rest of their lives. I'd stand or sit there in absolute confusion as to how or why they hadn't figured that situation out. I was sad for them. But thankful that I knew what I wanted to do.

Fast Forward

My first semester of university I'm scared, excited and proud to proclaim myself a Psychology student. The last few years I had spent my weeks, months and years conditioning myself and I was ready.  Yup! I was. Then all pop corn breaks loose and I'm being challenged about my decision to be Mrs Psychology. First it was the mom, then she got back up, then it was people around campus. But, I held firm; never wavering. My opposers back off or so I thought. They regroup and find another strategy and angle to break away my love and I. But, I held firm; never wavering. The following semester approaches and I get "the talk" in regards to my career choice from one of the members of backup. I spend the rest of my semester slowly being captured, consumed and beaten by thought about "my right career path." By the time summer got around I was almost completed bamboozled. I start asking, "Who am I?" "What's my purpose?" " Where do I belong?" "How do I find myself?

I spent the entirety of my summer holiday drowned in my tears, a prisoner to my own confusion and life decision. After being bombarded with the suggestion of my mother and her team of backups to become an educator I slowly, cracked. Cracked real good too. Had a little experience teaching a summer class and thought hmmm! Maybe, just maybe this isn't so bad. I make the switch from being an aspiring Psychologist to pursuing the life of a teacher. After months of crying, irritation, confusion and stress I made the switch unknowing of what I was up against. Recently, I started my first few weeks as an aspiring teacher still questioning the choices I have made. I contemplate if I made this choice because of my parent as I have never seen myself as a teacher. I believe it's also the accompaniment of fear, I promised myself I would never be like my mom and I feel like this field is making me just like her.

I'm working on perfection but bombarded by flaws. One summer night as the days of enjoyment were slowly coming to an end I had the biggest defrost (tears galore, wet sheets and clothes) and in my reasoning with God I ask, "Why have you allowed me to suffer for so long?" I went to school the following day to learn that I was accepted within the Teacher Ed. Department. I'm still unsure of whether or not this is the avenue for me; however, God show me your way.

I'm working on perfection but bombarded by flaws.

Picture compliments of Dwayne K Smith Photography