Thursday, 4 July 2013

Selflessly: Entry 2

Plagued with Failure

"Dis long time gal mi neva see yuh, come mek mi hol yuh han" I'm back. Anywho serious face*

I happened to stumble across my high school graduation program the other day and it brought back memories of that day. As I scrolled through, immediately this feeling of sadness hugged me; I reminisced on my time in school and how I hadn't completely maximized my potential. I remembered watching as a few of my fellow schoolmates collected gift baskets and other accolades. While I sat there wishing that I could participate in the experience. Here's my back-story: I spent the first three and a half years of high school in hiding. I didn't want to be known, strange? I agree. I went searching for a big word for the term but nothing. I suppose I could make up a word. Knownaphobia. I wanted to be Miss Invincible and practically hid away the journey of high school. I was riding in safety mode and it was absolutely comfortable. In safety mode failure plagued my thoughts and I believed every word. Down to the very sweet melody that accompanied the fellow. For the next year and a half I started to change, I wasn't popular but I was a lot more open to the thought of people around campus knowing me. The soft melody still played in my head; even in my growth. I recall my teacher noting the word exemplary on my report card one term and I contemplated the "nonsense" she had seen. Me? Serve as a desirable example?

Fast forward three years after high school and I've grown no doubt about that. But I realize I've tied myself to a tree and purposely held myself back. Am I the only one that does this? A year ago when I started this blog, I was still experiencing knownaphobia. To  be frank that was the reason my face wasn't shown in most of the shots I took. Amazing what I year can do. I've accomplished a few of the tasks I had envisioned for this blog. I always wanted to share my testimonies with others and talk about struggles. Thus Hol Mi Close. I wanted to showcase some of my creativity. Thus Do Yo Own:  I wanted to share poetry. Thus Before I Self Destruct. Done and done. But, even in all that I still feel as though I've held myself back. I do not want to look 20, 50, or 70 years (if God spares my life for that long) from now I'm sitting on a verandah wishing I could go back in time to make my life the way I wanted it to be. I want to take that step into the direction that which is destined of me. Belittling myself has not been getting me anywhere. Neither has it been doing a great job for you either. Failure is not my fiance and I don't like your music anymore.

Peace and blessings
God bless you